I'll Never Be an Angel

When you don’t like someone, everything they do starts rubbing you the wrong way. My significant other once told me that, and man, it hits home. Recently, someone I don’t really vibe with started crying, and I knew it, but I just didn’t want to care. Part of me, a tiny, petty voice, was like, “Ugh, are you just looking for attention?” Meanwhile, the peer counselor side of me jumped in and said, “Seriously? You call yourself a peer counselor, but you can’t even be empathetic right now?” 

Cue the internal conflict.

I’m supposed to be the peer counselor—basically a volunteer “angel” for people. But here I am, feeling more like I’ve got a devil on my shoulder. I just didn’t want to ask what was wrong. I didn’t want to listen if they reached out. They’re not my client; I’m not responsible for them. But is that evil, or is it just being human? That’s the question bouncing around in my head.

And then, because the universe has a wicked sense of humor, they reached out to me. I felt cornered. And there I was——comforted them over text. No “I’m here for you” vibes, just repeating what they said, validating their feelings with a couple of empathetic emojis. But deep down, I didn’t mean it.

Now, I feel bad. Bad for treating them this way, bad for feeling like this at all. It’s like two opposing forces are constantly pulling at me. On one hand, I want to set boundaries; on the other, I feel like I shouldn’t, because they don't always do something wrong. It’s just me, seeing them through a negative lens because I don’t really like them.

And here I am, with no clue how to wrap this up. I guess I’m just... sorry. Sorry for them, sorry for myself, and sorry for this messy, tangled web of feelings.